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She found out you’re watching porn, and she’s not happy about it.

You’re wondering what all the fuss is about. From your perspective:

  • All the guys you know do it—it’s a normal thing for guys to do.
  • What’s wrong with appreciating beautiful women?
  • It doesn’t mean you don’t love her.
  • It doesn’t hurt anyone.
  • You’re not cheating on her.

She doesn’t understand your reasons, and you don’t understand why.

Let me do my best to explain—man to man.

You’ve hurt her where she is most vulnerable…

Let’s start with this. You’ve hurt her where she is most vulnerable—her self-esteem. If you’re looking at other naked women, and watching them have sex, then most likely you don’t find her very attractive or desirable. She believes that you’d rather have a virtual sexual experience with other women than a real one with her. She wonders if she has ever satisfied you sexually. Maybe she’s not enough, or why else would you be looking at porn?

She wonders if she can trust you anymore.

You didn’t tell her about it. She found out that you’ve been watching porn behind her back.You were dishonest. Now, she wonders what else you’re hiding. What else are you not telling her? She wonders if she can trust you anymore.

By watching porn, you are objectifying women. You’re seeing women as sexual objects—not as real
people. She thinks; ‘Don’t you understand that every woman in porn is someone’s daughter? Would you watch if it was your daughter?’

It makes her question your morals and values.

She knows that people who get paid for having sex are in the prostitution business. So you have been supporting on-camera prostitution. It makes her question your morals and values.

Since you were hiding it, you’re apparently uncomfortable sharing it with her. You were hiding it because you either: weren’t proud of it, or you were afraid of the implications of her knowing. 

Let’s be real… porn exists primarily for men. Sexual content anytime, anywhere, and usually some form of instant gratification. Pornography displays little intimacy, no long slow satisfying experiences together as partners.

She wonders; ‘Do you want to have sex like they do in porn—penetration only, no touching, no foreplay, no intimacy? Do you want her to be like the women in porn—ready at all times, only there to please the man?’

You put your relationship with the woman in your life at risk when you watch porn.

You put your relationship with the woman in your life at risk when you watch porn. To her, it’s akin to cheating, a virtual affair. She wonders what’s next when porn no longer satisfies you. Will you go the next step to something real— a strip club, have a lap dance, a prostitute, or an affair? 

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She is hurting. Her self-esteem has taken a huge blow, and your behaviour is responsible for triggering her feeling this way. What are you going to do about it?

Is porn more important to you than your relationship with her?

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Is porn more important to you than your relationship with her?
  • Is porn more important to you than your own integrity? 

It’s not too late to fix this. It’s not too late to stop.

Have the courage to talk to her, to listen, and to understand her perspective. Have the courage to ask yourself, and answer honestly—is porn really worth it?

In the end, you either choose porn or your integrity.

You’re fooling your self if you believe you can come to a long-lasting compromise in this situation. In the end, you either choose porn or your integrity. 

It’s one or the other. 

How do I know? I’ve been through it. During my first marriage, I was a secretive porn watcher. Throughout, I was riddled with guilt and shame. 

I decided the negative consequences of watching porn were no longer worth it.

Instead, I chose to be vulnerable, honest and intimate with the new woman in my life. I chose to make our sexual connection a priority in our relationship. I allowed her to be my best friend. She is now my wife.

It wasn’t easy to quit watching porn. It was a nasty habit.

It wasn’t easy to quit watching porn. It is easy to access. It’s a tough habitual behaviour to stop.

But it was worth it personally, and as a man. Here’s why:

  • I feel more virile. I save all my sexual energy for my relationship with my wife.
  • I am proud of who I am. No more shame. No more hiding. I can look myself in the mirror, and my wife in the eyes. I feel integral and authentic.
  • It has opened up a world of connection and communication with my wife that I never knew existed. I savour the passion that real intimacy and honesty brings to a relationship, and into the bedroom.
  • It put an end to the incessant chatter in my head, calling me to watch porn. My mind is free from those shackles. I now use that energy for more productive pursuits.

…choose to be a man of integrity.

There is no place for pornography in my life. I choose to be a man of integrity.

I made a great choice. You can too.

 

 

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